


I'm About to Saw My Fucking Neck Off

by God Himself (lotuscookie), lotuscookie



Category: No Fandom
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, Smut, crackfic, mild nihilism with a touch of sexual depravity, the greatest crackfic, the world isn't ready for this shit honestly, this is gonna be one hell of a wild ride, warning: giant fire emanating alligators, you better be prepared for the greatest crackfic of all time
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-24
Updated: 2017-10-02
Packaged: 2018-10-23 11:38:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10718625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lotuscookie/pseuds/God%20Himself, https://archiveofourown.org/users/lotuscookie/pseuds/lotuscookie
Summary: Lalaloopsie is on her way to the bathroom to saw her neck off. Why you may ask? Because the love of her life, who has never acknowledged her existence is graduating this year. What will happen when she bumps into him in the hallway on her way there? If you want an olive oil ocean, fire emanating alligators and thumbs with multiple biceps, you have come to the right place .





	1. Flex those Pinky Finger Biceps

Just to let you know: I am in fact William Shaekspeare returning from a hole in time-space (which you will soon visit) to deliver you the greatest piece of writing in the 21st century.

I stalk down the hallway of my high school, feet pounding the floor as I make my way to the girls bathroom. I have my saw handy in my backpack. Why you may ask do I need a saw in my backpack? At school? That ladies and gentlemen (and you non-binary folks) is because I am going to saw my fucking neck off. And why is this? Simple: because the love of my life, Jeremiah, is going to be graduating this year. Now before you get all "oh-my-god-she's-going-to-kill-herself-because-of-a-boy-what-a-dimwit" let me tell you about Jeremiah. He is literal perfection. He plays guitar, cooks pancakes in the shape of Donald Duck's head (with his feet), can speak the language of cosmic velocirators, has refined taste in grilled cheese and has a wicked double-chin. If that's not enough for you, he can also sing the 2nd verse (like the really fast rap part) of All Star by Smash Mouth. Understand what I mean? He's all you could want in a person. So anyways...

The books in my arms are heavy as I begin to approach my destination. Tears start to flood my eyes as I begin to think about Jeremiah. In my defense, this was a perfectly good reason for not looking directly ahead of me to where the chicken soup of my teenage soul was. I collided head-on with Jeremiah. My books when flying all around the hallway as I fell backwards into a heap. Before I could even really process what was going on my brain was already going into self-destruct in t-minus-right-now mode. I was within a meter of Jeremiah, I had just made physical contact with him. What does that mean? A reason to live! But before I could get to happy about that, I had to make it out of this situation with out being totally socially awkward.

Somehow my voice managed to drop six octaves to its manliest tone as I say: "I was about to go saw my fucking neck off but I just made physical contact with you and have magically regained my will to live." Fucking nailed it.

To my surprise Jeremiah in his cool, mysterious way responds with "Nice." This had to be a good sign.

"Jeremiah you're the Tom to my Jerry, the apple to my pie, the lolly to my pop, the rock to my roll, the mindless to my self indulgence... you're my everything," I gushed "take me to the prom this year or else."

"Or else what?" Jeremiah inquired.

"I'll saw my fucking neck off." 

"Okay."

"Okay I'll go with you or okay go saw your fucking neck off?" Please be the first one.

"The first one." Yeet my bois, I'd done it. 

Something I started to realize while he was talking to me, Jeremiah began picking up my books scattered over the floor, rounding them up and balancing them on his pinky finger. Another thing I noticed was his pinky finger had at least seven biceps on each joint. Each one of these was flexing as he easily balanced my textbooks on it. He started doing the pinky finger equivalent of bench pressing my books. My mouth fell open, could he get any more perfect? I had to ask

"Anything else you can balance on your finger?" I asked suggestively raising my eyebrows.

"Hell yah." He replied, handing my books back to me. He immediately leaned to his left and ripped a large section of the wall out and started flexing his twenty one pinky biceps. He didn't even look phased. I'm surprised he didn't pull out his electric guitar and start serenading me with the sweet, sweet sound of Tool then and there (of course only with his one free hand). Soon growing bored he tossed the large section of wall behind him. He stepped closer to where I still lay on the hallway's cool linoleum tiles. 

"Want to see what else I can lift?" He asked as rose and cherry blossom petals began to fall from the sky. 

"Hell yah." Somewhere behind me a saxophone started playing Careless Whisper by George Michael. Hell yah.

As the soft sweet notes of Careless Whisper came to an end and the person who had been playing the saxophone disappeared, I turned to Jeremiah and said, in a deep rumbling tone "Could you lift me on your muscled pinky? " 

He swiveled his beautiful head towards me, his mesmerizing black hair swooping across his face "Anything for you schmoopey poopy." 

I fainted. You couldn't really blame me. Hearing those words coming from the mouth of the mortal equivalent of god, it was too much. I couldn't take it.

When I woke up, I had the strange sensation of moving through the air, I felt I was being suspended by a singular point. I looked around me. Jeremiah was balancing me on his pinky finger and bench pressing me on it. I'm very surprised that I didn't faint all over again, instead I rolled my neck to get a better look at Jeremiah's stunning face.

"How are you holding up?" He asked.

"Take me to the fucking prom and serenade me with your fucking guitar skills," I demanded "please senpapi."

"Okay." More cherry blossom and rose petals began falling from the sky into the hallway. The saxophone started playing again, this time a cowbell and trombone were accompanying it. A familiar tune began to play, it was - All Star. Jeremiah looked at me excitedly and began to sing. Luckily for me, I too knew all the words (I memorized it to impress him, of course). As the song was coming to an end, Jeremiah set me back down on the ground. 

"So prom, I-don't-know-your-name?" He queried.

"Call me Lalaloopsie, and prom with you? Hell yah." I replied, enthusiastically.


	2. Regaining my Will to Live

I couldn't believe it, I was going to prom with my Snoogus Maximus, Jermemiah. I sat on my bunk bed staring at the wall. Yesterday, I was going to saw my neck off because Jeremiah was graduating next year and had never acknowledged my existence now, in a few short weeks we would be going to prom together! I had to prepare. I already had a dress, what I really needed was the one thing that could ignite romance between us: spaghetti. I jumped off my bed, nearly landing on my dog, before running towards the supply cupboard to find a cauldron. After dragging it into the kitchen I filled with a few hundred pounds of dry spaghetti. I lifted the cauldron onto the bonfire we had in the middle of the kitchen for religious sacrifices. As I waited for the spaghetti to cook I began to daydream about how proud Jeremiah would be of my amazing chef skills. I imagined him, standing beside me pouring tonnes of olive oil onto the spaghetti, lifting the vat carrying it, easily with his muscular pinky. 

Sixteen hours later, the 700 pounds of cooked spaghetti were tucked neatly away in my backpack. I had to take the saw out to make room for all of it, but with the shocking twist in my love life I wasn't going to be needing it anytime soon. 

I decided to stay home for the next few weeks leading up to prom, to make more spaghetti and to practice my guitar, in order to impress Jeremiah, who would be playing with his band on the night of the event. During this time, Jeremiah, who had added me as a friend on Facebook, contacted me on the day before prom saying "come to school today snuggalffuagus i miss you :((". What else could you expect me to do? I quickly texted him back with "on my way cootie pootootie rawr xd *nuzzles*" before hopping on my Razor® scooter and speeding away to school. 

Jeremiah was waiting for me by the front doors, even though he was supposed to be in class - how dreamy. 

"Hey," he rumbled "how ya doin' Oojy Coojy Woojy Moojy Poo-Poo? You ready for prom tomorrow?"

Instead of answering him, I simply took off my backpack and unzipped the largest section to show off the spaghetti inside.

"I see." Was all he could say, too shocked by the oodles of noodles.

Instead of going into school, which was what I expected, Jeremiah took my hand and started walking in the direction I had just come from.

"Where are we going?" I asked. 

"We're going to buy some olive oil for all that spaghetti, you can't have it plain you know." He replied, as if the answer were obvious.

"You don't want to put tomato sauce on it?" I asked, looking at him from the side. I had to know. Putting tomato sauce on spaghetti was the only thing that could ruin an otherwise perfect relationship. Jeremiah turned to look at me, a very serious look on his face.

"If you want to put tomato sauce on your spaghetti, I don't think this relationship is going to work." He stated flatly. I was overjoyed! We had the same taste in spaghetti toppings! We were meant to be! Oh Joy!

I eagerly explained that I was just asking to make sure that our relationship would work, that I hated tomato sauce and pasta and that our love had already passed the ultimate test. Jeremiah seemed to be pleased with this information, and we continued on our way to the local convenience store.

We ended up purchasing their entire stock of olive oil.

Jeremiah and I walked back excitedly to the school's gymnasium. The room was already mostly set up for tomorrow's prom, except, of course for the olive oil coated pasta that was going to rain down on the guests. I quickly got to work building a simple mangonel catapult at the back of the room that would be launching the spaghetti itself. After pouring in the few hundred pounds of cooked spaghetti out of my backpack into the bowl-shaped end, Jeremiah came over to me from where he had been previously been balancing the boxes of olive oil bottles. He managed to empty all five hundred and seventy two bottles into the mass of spaghetti in under four minutes (how he did this I still have no explanation for). Once everything was set up for the following night, we left the gymnasium hand in hand.

"You excited for tomorrow?" Jeremiah said, swishing his hair out of his eyes.

"Heckles yeckles."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter goes out to my inspirations behind this story: Boolla, Gawl, Fag, Hun Seok, Kail and of course Lalaloopsie and Jeremiah. Also if y'all could send me the worst terms of endearment you can think of that would be great.


	3. The Fire Alligators You've All Been Waiting For

I stood in front of the gymnasium doors, trembling with excitement. Jeremiah was going to be inside. I nervously adjusted the strap on my Steve Buscemi dress. 

I know Jeremiah is going to be behind these doors, I can already hear him playing the Gaping Lotus Experience with his band. Breathe in, breathe out. There's nothing to be worried about, you're Jeremiah's prom date! With this thought in mind, I push open the doors with all my strength, knocking one of them off its hinges into the nearby wall. People turn to stare as I walk confidently into the room. Haha, I think, none of you are Jeremiah's prom date! The crowd of dancing people part as I pass through them, walking nearer to the stage. Jeremiah catches my eye from the stage. He winks at me as he dramatically strums the final chords of the song. Suddenly there is a hand outstretched to me. I am confused for a moment before taking it and allowing myself to be hauled onto the stage. 

"This is my girlfriend!" Jeremiah yelled into the mic. A round of cheers went up from the people assembled in front of us. 

"And we're going to play you a song!" An even bigger cheer went up around us. I had no idea what I was going to do, I can't sing, (I can't dance and I don't know karate) or play the guitar. But of course Jeremiah already had a plan. He bent down and scooped me up in his arms, bridal style. He then proceeded to place the guitar on top of me so that I was holding the body and he was holding the neck (and me at the same time, I know so talented!). He craned his neck towards me,

"Can you strum?" He asked me, "this isn't going to work otherwise." I had not even a fragment of a fraction of an idea of how to strum a guitar, but if there was ever a time to learn - it was now. Oh Flying Spaghetti Monster help me now!

"Heckles Yeckles." I said.

"Good." Replied Jeremiah. He turned away from me to face the mic again. 

"This song is called Intolerance!" He yelled. Luckily for me, when I first found out about Jeremiah's existence I immediately began stalking him, and of course this included finding out what music he listened to. My friends said my love for Jeremiah became very obvious when I announced to them that my favorite band was now Tool (a band which I had deemed "edgy" last year). Of course, I still denied my feelings for him to them, but according to them I made it increasingly more obvious that I was in love with him (taking the long, inconvenient way around the school to get to my class - just to pass by him in the library where I know he stays at lunch, dropping my voice a solid six octaves whenever he's around, having the *sudden* urge to learn metal songs and riffs on my long-lost electric guitar, learning the words to songs he knows how to play on guitar and singing them loudly, the list goes on). Anyways, I think I was pretty subtle about it - it was just a coincidence that everyone I knew was aware of my undying love for him. Hey - at least I knew every song ever written by Tool so that I could try to strum along to the song that was about to be played. 

Jeremiah looked down at me and smiled. "Ready?" He asked.

"Uh sure." I responded uncertainly. I searched the dark recesses of my brain to remember the outlines of what the strumming pattern should be. Fortunately, it's pretty easy as far as I can remember. 

The song started. Jeremiah sang and did all the complicated neck-stuff while I strummed along, mostly in tune. My nervousness began subsiding, it actually sounded pretty good.

As the song started to end, a rattling noise could be heard around the gym. The students, myself included, began to look around in confusion. What was going on? Then I remembered. The spaghetti catapult. The rattling got louder as the catapult prepared to launch the hundreds of pounds of cooked olive oil spaghetti over all the guests. I looked up at Jeremiah, who was smiling down at me excitedly. He gestured for me to put the guitar down so that he could put me down. Just as I was about to get out of his arms (begrudgingly of course) the catapult fired. Spaghetti rained down, covering everyone and everything in the room. A massive cheer went up from the assembled students.

I looked up into Jeremiah's eyes. He was looking down into mine. He started bending his neck down towards me. Oh my god - were we going to... kiss? Sirens seemed to be going off in my head. This was it! 

Just then, the principal barged through the gymnasium doors. "WHAT IS THIS MESS?!" She was screaming. "GET OUT! YOU'VE LOST THE PRIVILEGE OF HAVING A PROM NIGHT! LEAVE!"

Nobody really seemed too bothered, as everyone left smiling, laughing and munching on spaghetti. Jeremiah looked at me and said

"Let's blow this pop stand."

"Okiley Dokiley".

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

We made our way outside into the dark. The prom this year had been hosted on an anchored boat-type thing on a river in the city. Jeremiah led me up to what I think was the prow of the boat. He turned to me and said

"Nobody to bother us up here." Oh boy did he jinx it. 

A giant alligator - and I mean giant like prehistoric 15 to 25 meter long alligator - jumped up and perched on the rail in front of us. I screamed louder than I ever had before, so loud in fact, that it pushed Jeremiah and I back to the far end of the boat. This was very fortunate, considering the Colossal Alligator proceeded to open its mouth, roar and breathe fire all over the front end of the boat. 

Jeremiah and I made frantic eye contact before jumping over the side of the boat, the Colossal Alligator following behind. The cool water hit us like a brick, but it was a lot better than getting burned alive by alligator breath. We began swimming as fast as we could away from the boat, where we could see the alligator reach the side and shoot a jet of flame into the air (which admittedly was pretty badass). A few moments later, the Colossal Alligator was swimming through the water towards us. We swam faster, but there was little hope for us. The Colossal Alligator opened its gaping maw and sprayed another jet of flame into the water, which to my great surprise lit the water itself on fire. How could that be? I then realized it was the leftover olive oil we had dumped into the water that had ignited. 

We were totally screwed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you don't know what the iconic Steve Buscemi dress looks like and want to know what Lalaloopsie was wearing to prom, here it is: https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/58/ea/47/58ea47d873e9d615b2dffa0b6ab80351.jpg


	4. FIRE EMANATING FIRE ALLIGATORS AKA THE CHAPTER NO ONE WAS WAITING OR ASKING FOR BUT THEY GOT ANYWAY

AS THE WAVES OF FIRE CAME CRASHING TOWARDS JEREMIAH AND LALALOOPSIE NEITHER ONE OF THEM COULD THINK UP A PLAN. THE SHIP BEHIND THEM WAS GOING UP IN FLAMES AND THEIR ONLY ESCAPE WAS BLOCKED BY THE GIANT FIRE EMANATING ALLIGATORS. SUDDENLY, JEREMIAH HAD AN IDEA. HE SWAM THROUGH THE RAPIDLY DISSOLVING WATER TOWARDS THE LARGEST OF THE ALLIGATORS AND CLAMBERED UPON ITS HEAD. WINKING AT LALALOOPSIE, JEREMIAH FLEXED HIS HEAVILY MUSCLED THUMBS AND RIPPED THE FIRE ALLIGATOR IN HALF (WIDTHWAYS NOT LENGTHWAYS). THIS GREAT ACT OF STRENGTH STARTLED THE OTHER FIRE ALLIGATORS WHO MADE A HASTY RETREAT TOWARDS LAND - BUT BEFORE THEY COULD ALL ESCAPE - JEREMIAH SWOOPED UP LALALOOPSIE ON HIS PINKY FINGER AND LEAPED ATOP ONE OF THE FLEEING GATORS. THE ALLIGATOR DID NOT NOTICE THEM AND CONTINUED TOWARDS LAND, WHERE JEREMIAH AND LALALOOPSIE HASTILY DISMOUNTED. 

"ARE YOU ALRIGHT?" INQUIRED JERMIAH.

"YAH MAYBE I GUESS IVE NEVER BEEN ALRIGHT THO uWu" REPLIED LALALOOPSIE

" DO YOU STILL WANT TO BE WITH ME AFTER ALL THIS?"

"uMMMMM IDK SPOODGEPOO I MEAN UR COOL AND ALL BUT LIKE?? IDK xd"

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN?????!!!!! I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME? ARE YOU GOING TO LEAVE ME FOR SOMEONE ELSE?"

AS THIS WHOLE COMMOTION WAS GOING DOWN, DIONYSUS, THE GOD OF WINE AND NARCOTICS DESCENDED FROM THE SKY CHANTING THE LYRICS TO LALALOOPSIE'S FAVORITE $UICIDE BOY$ SONG WHILST SMOKING 17 BLUNTS OUT OF HIS NOSE. JEREMIAH AND LALALOOPSIE LOOKED UPON THE RADIANT FACE OF DIONYSUS AS HE LANDED BETWEEN THEM. 

"I HAVE COME FOR LALALOOPSIE" THE GOD BELLOWED

"TOO BAD FOR YOU SHE'S MINE!11!!" JEREMIAH YELLED BACK AT HIM

"I GUESS WE'LL HAVE TO BATTLE TO THE DEATH IN AN UPCOMING SCENE THE AUTHOR WON'T UPDATE FOR THE NEXT 60000000000 YEARS THEN!" CHALLENGED DIONYSUS 

"OKIE DOKIE CUNT BRICK"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IF YOU THOUGHT I WOULD NEVER UPLOAD ANOTHER CHAPTER YOU THOUGHT WRONG

**Author's Note:**

> Wish me fuckin luck pals I don't know what I've gotten myself into. Also, this story is based very loosely on a true story.


End file.
